Saturday 27 July 2013

Bad Assumptions

My mom and I work near each other so we drive home together.

Mom: I can leave early today if you can.

me: Yeah I can leave early.

Mom: Ok, at the car at 3:35 SHARP

.............
Later on
*3 minutes later*
me: so you just ASSUME that I'm going to be late?

mom: and this is EXACTLY why first impressions matter?

me: what first impressions you've known me my whole life!

mom: see this is exactly why it matters what people think of you. This is not my mistake, this is an important life lesson.

me: *LOL*

Wednesday 24 July 2013

Tomato Chemistry

me: I think this tomato has gone bad, its too soft

mom: bite it and see how it tastes

me: I don't want to bite bad tomatoes! I'll get food poisoning...

mom: Don't be ridiculous and taste the tomato

me: *bites* it tastes OK to me

mom: *disbelieving look* let me try *bites tomato*  this has gone bad. The fact that you tasted a bad tomato won't give you food poisoning, the fact that I've raised a daughter that can't tell good vegetables from bad vegetables is what gives you food poisoning! Give me the frying pan, I'm going to make pasta sauce.

me: mom you just said is was a bad tomato!

mom: Its bad if you want to eat it raw, its still OK for pasta sauce. Most jams and sauces are made from overripe fruits. You wont get food poisoning because heat kills the bacteria that coats the fruit as it overripe and begins to rot. No wonder you struggle with chemistry!!!

me: you mean biology?

mom: being a smart ass doesn't make you smart.

me            mom          <--- well played mom, well played

0                5

*too be fair I knew this about fruits and vegetables, but I'm just a lazy and a bit germaphobic

Friday 19 July 2013

Candy Crush Creates Serious Issues

Mom: I have no one except you to ask for Candy Crush tickets

Me: Ask grandma

Mom: she's not my friend on Facebook

Me: why?

Mom: becaaaaaauuuussseeee!

Me: what are you hiding from your mother?!?!?

Mom: NOTHING!

Me:......

Mom: it's not right for people to add their moms on Facebook. It unnatural

Me: mom, you're my friend on Facebook.

Mom: me and you are special.

Me: I'm going to delete you!

Mom: how could you do that to your own mother!

Irony level = Over 9000

Wednesday 10 July 2013

Vegas Advice

My friends and I turned 21 and went to Vegas. However, we were trying to save money in any way possible so we only booked one hotel room for the five of us. We were hoping to ask for a room upgrade if possible (because we had heard that in Vegas upgrades are given out for free sometimes). This is how this situation went.

*Friend & I Checking in*

Friend: We were wondering if you guys had any room upgrades available today?

Clerk: Sure we do! We have our suites which are $100 extra per night, then we have our deluxe rooms which are $80 extra per night.

me: *sad face that its not free* That's OK, we will stick with our room thanks!

*5 min later, calling mom to tell her we have arrived and checked in. Then telling her that our brilliant "we are going to get an upgrade plan" didn't work*

mom: Annette, go up to a different clerk, give them $20 cash and ask for an upgrade!

me: Mom that's bribery! People in normal countries don't do this! This is not Russia!

mom: I am thrilled to have raised such an honest daughter, but believe me this will work.

me: Mom its OK, we'll just stay in our regular room

mom: The five of you in one standard room? You guys are going to be sardines in a can! Go try it! If they say no, say "thank you for your time".

*My friend and I return to the counter, and we go to a different clerk this time. We are nervously holding $20 under in a very secret sneaky way*

me: Hi, we have already checked in but we thought we'd ask if you had any room upgrades available?

Friend: *discretely slips $20 to the clerk*

Clerk #2: We definitely have upgrades! Let me give you your new room key!

me: *Speechless, calling mommy* It worked! I thought they would call security but it worked!

mom: Did you think your mother was born yesterday?




Monday 8 July 2013

Grownup Facebook Problems

Mom: My 48 year old coworker just told me about his Facebook drama (which he was genuinely upset about). His friend put him on limited profile, so he deleted her and now she's mad. Gives a whole new meaning to never growing up!

me: Wow... interesting...

Mom: I don't want to add him as a friend because he cares too much about Facebook, do you think he'll be mad?

me: Oh the irony! Do you care?

Mom: I don't .....but I feel like I should

Hipsters

Mom: What is a "hipster"?

me: *give best explanation I can for about 10 minutes concluding with * "something
you would never wear to a Russian party"

----------------Next Day----------------

Mom: "I want to be a 'hipster' for Halloween"

me: *Laughing forever*

Mom: What I think it would be fun!

me: *still laughing* no its brilliant!

Introduction


Hi!
This blog is dedicated to the amusing conversations I have with my mother, and sometimes my grandmother. I used to have just a word file where I would write these, and some of them are so funny I thought I would share. My mother and I speak to each other either in Russian or English depending on the situation. However, all conversations are real, and translated as truthfully and accurately as possible :)